An Interview with BJ Hamrick

I met Bekah at Mount Hermon and immediately fell in love with her sweet personality and humble spirit. It amazes me that she’s still in college, and yet so accomplished and focused. She’s been writing for about six years professionally and was recently engaged to her amazing boyfriend, Ethan. She currently lives in North Carolina. I hope you enjoy getting to meet my friend, BJ Hamrick.

*What is your passion in life?
Last winter, I lay on the floor and watched the snow hit my window. Little pellets of ice... when they made contact with the window pane, they melted into tiny trickles of water.

That's the way I want my life to be.

I want everyone who comes in contact with me to be forever altered.

But I can't change their lives. I'm only the window pane... and God is the heating force behind that pane.

I want Him to give me His passion... His warmth... His love for the world...

*What was your main takeaway from Mount Hermon? How are you going to apply it in your daily life?

The biggest thing I learned at Mount Hermon was how to fish.

I know this sounds crazy, but let me explain.

The day before I got to Mount Hermon, I got a rejection from a literary agent who was going to be at the conference. "It's not about you," he said, "It's about me. I don't do books for teenagers."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked. "Because this sounds more like a breakup letter than a rejection."

Anyway. What does this have to do with fishing?

I was feeling discouraged after the breakup/rejection letter, and decided I wouldn't pitch to any agents at all during the conference.

Poor, pitiful me.

The fourth morning of the conference, I woke up and started to read my Bible.

It was the story about the disciples when they had been fishing all night without any success.

"Cast the net again," Jesus told them.

"But LORD," the disciples whined, "we've been fishing all night."

Apparently they realized Jesus was serious, because they decided to cast the net again. Out of obedience to Him.

As I read, God spoke directly to my heart.

"Cast the net again," He said.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"You heard me," He said. "Cast the net again. Talk to another agent. Put yourself out there."

That night I sat at dinner with a literary agent whom I had been praying about pitching my books to for 2 years (talk about working up the nerve).

The moment I gave my pitch, the agent handed me her business card and told me she wanted to hear from me. Last week, she sent me a contract.

When I think about it, I'm amazed that I almost didn't obey. That I told the Lord I was tired. That I wasn't willing to cast the net again.

The biggest thing I took away from Mount Hermon was that God doesn't call us to fish without first giving us the strength to do what He's asked.

*How has being a writer impacted or informed your daily life as a Christian?
It overwhelms me -- every day -- the sense of responsibility God gives me as a writer. When my life is not in line with what He wants, it shows in my writing. My lack of relationship with Him affects not only me, but also those for whom I write.

*I hear you have some exciting news in your life. Care to share?
About one month ago, I was out on a walk with my boyfriend. We were off the beaten path when he got on one knee and asked me to be his little wife. Well, he didn't say it quite like that -- it was much more eloquent. And of course I said yes!

*What are you most excited about in being married? Most concerned about?
I'm most excited about spending the rest of my life with my best friend. I'm most concerned about not being able to express to him exactly how much I love him. Some days, it's just impossible to convey how much he means to me. There just aren't enough words... and I'm a writer.

*I'm doing a talk about envy next week. Just for fun, what's the silliest thing you've ever been envious about?
I am completely envious of Mary DeMuth's hair. Seriously. How in the world, when you're camping at Mount Hermon, can you get your hair to look that good? It's a mystery to me.

An Interview with Mick Silva

As promised, here is my last interview from Mount Hermon. I met Mick two years ago through my friend Jeanne. Besides just being an all-around nice guy, I was struck by his authenticity and genuine interest in people. At the time, I was feeling overwhelmed and way out of my league. I met with Mick to ask my naive little questions, and he made me feel like I was just as important as the accomplished (and published!) writers around me. As I've gotten to know Mick better through reading his blog, I also appreciate his challenging insights and thought-provoking comments. I hope you enjoy getting to know him better as well.

Mick Silva
Editor, married for 6 years, has 2 girls, been writing since age 17, currently resides in Colorado Springs, CO

How has your job as an editor impacted your spiritual life?
Just as a composer creates an emotional tone, I like to think I help create an emotional tone within an authors’ work. My passion is to guide the message of other writers into its greatest form, helping draw out the greatest ability to connect. This process is all the better if the writer is someone who understands that and gets the spiritual implications. As an editor, I am humbled to be entrusted with the task of guiding these authors. It’s almost like the role of a pastor—which is scary when I think about incurring the judgment of James 3:1 (“Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly”). But in Christian books, we are all teachers in some respect. It’s a heavy responsibility to stand before God with that. Yet this process of helping writers see what they’re missing grows me because I have to hone in on the core of the writer’s message and help them streamline their words so the reader connects quickly. Practicing this teaches me how to stay in the moment. It translates into efficiency in life—with conversations, emails and phone calls, in prayer or Bible reading time, just get to the core issue. But in order to do that, I can’t rush ahead of God. I have to stay on my knees to receive guidance. Overall, I think being an editor has made me do this more with gratitude and humility.

Palm Sunday celebrates the entry of Christ into Jerusalem. How do you celebrate His entry into your life?
My life forever changed when we had kids. I became a different person, particularly as I learned about humility. Christ was hailed as the great leader who would lead everyone into great power, but he rode in on a donkey on a road paved with palm branches and coats - the only things the people had. My kids serve as a constant reminder to me that I am not all that. We don’t all have these huge things to offer to God. I try to enjoy Him in what He is already doing. I celebrate that with my kids, telling them what I feel about them. I’m also keeping journals for my daughters about what God has done in our lives. I try to focus on humility.

You’ve talked a lot about humility. What brought you to this focus?
My cursed pride, of course! (Laughs.) Pride is one of the things that keeps us from experiencing the true spiritual gifts and rewards that God has for us, that he wants us to understand. We can’t experience everything He has for us unless we come with open hands. Pride makes up two of the three great sins, and yet we don’t focus on it much. We think we have to be strong (this victorious Christian living concept), and we use that as a license to be prideful. We need a willingness to be humble before God and others, otherwise you will never get past that starting point. I constantly need that reminder. The other part is that you give yourself worth from where God is leading. Your self worth is given to you through God’s work in real life, so when you’re trying to get it from this false sense of confidence - or whatever - that’s not really where you need to be. Ironically, God is a humble God. He came to us as a man, and we are to accept him willingly in the same spirit He had. The exciting part is we can come to Him directly. He wants to be a part of us, to fill us, and that gives us so much self- confidence. We need that connection to see how He sees us. For me, that’s the beginning of everything.

At this point in the conference, a sense of weariness is often setting in. How do you keep from getting weary?
I never have a problem keeping interested when I’m connecting, when I’m really getting at what the core of the message is with an author. It is tiresome when most of us are introverts, and yet we’re talking all day long and being “on” all the time. But I deal with it by not being “on” (again, related to humility thing) and being honest connecting with people. You don’t have to have this facade all the time. Having a good time is not tiring. I try to stay relaxed and in the moment. I must constantly remind myself, but it’s gotten easier. And that sustains you: love people, learn to listen and connect with them. That’s energizing.

As Christians, particularly Christian writers, we sometimes tend to be inwardly focused on our circle of like-minded people. Why do we create these Christian bubbles?
We’re strangers; we’re not accepted in this world and Jesus’ radical message is off-putting. It’s hard to be out in the world and be pushing - worse yet, peddling - the Gospel. We come to places like Christian conferences to refuel and recharge. That’s not bad; we need to do that. However, we also need to be aware that where we live gives the world a perception of who we are. If we isolate ourselves and don’t have a lot of contact with those who aren’t Christians, we create an impression that we don’t like non-Christians.

So, how do you and I make a change in that perception?
Do it personally. Be humble and grateful. We trust God that we can go out and have an impact through how He has gifted us and through our personalities. By employing these things he’s given us and within community, we become the hands and feet of God. We then use our restorative times (like Christian conferences) to actually equip us to then go back out. That requires trusting Him that He will be there. We don’t have to be afraid to go out and say what needs to be said because we are equipped with the Holy Spirit. We often think it’s presumptuous to say the Holy Spirit spoke to me, but that’s not true. He speaks to every Christian and employs us to spread the gospel to everyone. We don’t believe it happens because we aren’t actively doing it. But with just doing it, we take baby steps forward.

Photo: Me, Leslie, Jeanne, Mick, Bekah, Madison (2005) Credit: stolen and used without permission from Jeanne although I think TJ actually took the picture!

Mount Hermon: Follow Up

Where do I even begin? I don’t know exactly how to sum up in words everything I learned and experienced. For me, this conference was more about spiritual growth and myself as a writer than it was specifically about the craft of writing or the publishing industry. But as I mentioned before, I think it was a necessary part of my journey in being a writer. I walk away from the conference with three main things:
1) New friendships that I am excited about growing and deepening
2) A heart focused on writing for God’s glory and not for publishing. Yes, I would love to be published one day. However, the difference now is that it’s not about seeing my name or my words in print, but having the opportunity to share God’s story to a wider audience. I am also at a place where if that audience is an audience of one, then that’s exactly what God intended and it still means He wants me to write.
3) An awareness that sin in my life prohibits the flow of words from my pen. Jesus cannot overflow out of a heart that is barricaded by sin. That definitely means that my time with Jesus takes priority over my time writing. Any time spent writing apart from Him, is wasted anyway.

Not directly from the conference, but definitely as a by-product, I’m also starting a writer’s group with my friend TJ and a couple other girls from my church. I am way excited about that, as it has been my desire since the last Mount Hermon I attended. I’m also excited to already be considering going to Mount Hermon again next year. We’ll just see.

I wanted to type up all my notes from specific sessions and our keynote speaker for you, but I’m trying to wrap this all up in the next ten minutes, so let me share this in closing. Our keynote speaker, Dick Foth, shared a story with us about a friend who had a stroke. While his speech and his mind never fully returned (he suffered from total amnesia as well), the Word of God he had memorized and the songs about Jesus he knew remained. Dick’s point? The Word of God penetrates deeper than even the core of the brain. I want to write words that have eternal significance. I’m not satisfied with words that end at the core of the brain; I want them to penetrate deeper. Not for my glory, but that His glory might be declared to all nations and His righteousness among all peoples.

Here’s a link to little slideshow of most of my pictures from Mount Hermon. Hope you enjoy.

PS - I have one last interview to post from Mount Hermon. I'll get it up this week.

Mount Hermon: Bloggers

Okay, as I mentioned before, I have some unfinished Mount Hermon blogs to wrap up. First is a group of bloggers from Mount Hermon. We all met together one night for a Blog-o-rama, and shared tips and ideas on blogging. Here are the people who attended (and wrote their names/blogs down). Check out their blogs; there's some good stuff there.

Actual Unretouched Photo and The Amazing Shrinking Mom - Melodee Helms
Real Women Scrap - Tasra Dawson
Relevant Blog - Mary DeMuth
maxgrace.com - Bill Giovannetti
Christian Work at Home Moms - Jill Hart
Larry's Bible Blog - Larry Wilson
Parenting Solo Devotionals and Rebuilding Hackberry - Doug Mead
Moral Movies - Dean Anderson
Exploring Adoption - Laura Christianson
Writebrained - BJ Hamrick
Why didn't you warn me? and Sometimes I feel like a piece of bologna - Pat Sikora
Happy Feet - Jon VonHof
Goddess Worship - Susy Flory (who's doing a Christian investigation of goddess worship)
Mommy Life - Barbara Curtis

Mount Hermon: More Photos

A few more photos to share, while I'm working on a wrap-up blog about the experience.

No conference is complete without it. Particularly when you're attending prayer and praise at 7:15am each morning. Llama Momma, this one's for you.

I'm guessing you've noticed by now that I like to take pictures of flowers...

This circle of trees created a natural chapel. Gorgeous.

A conferee. No, just kidding of course. He was our keynote speaker. Ha!

Okay, really there were people at the conference, not just flowers and wild animals. Me and my friend TJ. Is this the first picture I've ever posted of myself on here? (pondering whether or not to go through with posting it)

The party cabin: TJ, me, Jeanne, Leslie, Mary

An Interview wtih Marilynn Griffith

At Mount Hermon, I had the opportunity to meet some amazing people, with wonderful stories to tell. I first saw Marilyn from across the room, and her smile immediately captured my attention. Her warmth and laughter attracted me, and I was determined to meet her at some point. I had the privilege of sitting at her table during lunch one day, and I asked her for an interview. I hope you enjoy getting to know Marilynn a little bit. I am currently reading her first book Pink in the Shades of Style series.

Marilynn Griffith
Freelancer, married for 16 years, has 7 kids, written for 7 years

What is your passion in life? Being a good friend, helping people be good friends, learning how to juggle all these things of womanhood (being a mom, a sister, an aunt, etc) and maintaining some sense of self, helping others figure out how to hold onto family and Jesus in one hand and their dreams in another.

How have you managed to do that in your life? I have a great husband. I enlist my kids to work with me as a team. Everyone works together as family; we see it as a family business. My kids participate in achieving those goals, so when a check comes in the mail we all celebrate.

What do they think about being a part of those goals? Sometimes they get tired of it, but really they love it. They give books to their teachers. When people ask them what their mom does, they love it to say I’m a writer. Of course, it has its ups and downs.

How has writing affected your spiritual life? Wow. I think that I didn’t realize how safe I was as a Christian. My writing voice wasn’t established as a christian, so my writing was raw but Jesus was there. I didn’t realize how many safe things I implemented in my life. I discovered a bigger Jesus - scary, but good, even though everything doesn’t always have a happy ending. God is still there, even if you don’t get anything you prayer for. It was a big self-discovery.

As Palm Sunday approaches, how do you celebrate Christ’s entrance into your life? At home we would attend a sunrise service. As a child, we used to even receive palm branches and wave them. I use the time to look back on the year and meditate on all the things God is showing me. It’s like a guidepost to stop at and evaluate whether I am moving toward Jesus or coming away. It’s a sort of new year, and a chance to give back that lordship that I might have taken.

Anything additional you’d like to add? I love to meet new people and hear from people. So if you are interested in reaching me, you can find me at my website: http://www.marilyngriffith.com or email me at marilynngriffith@gmail.com.

An Interview with Kay Marshall Strom

I met Kay two years ago, at my first Mount Hermon conference. She encouraged me greatly with her heart for the global Body of Christ, and her courage to travel around the world to gather the stories of persecuted women. She's written an awesome book called Daughters of Hope that I highly recommend. I'm pleased to introduce to you, Kay Strom.

Kay Marshall Strom
Freelancer, married for 8 years, written for 20 years, currently in Santa Barbara, CA

What is your passion in life? Actually, it has come out of my writing. My passion at this time is letting believers in this country know that they are part of the global family of God. They need us as much as we need them. It pains me that we don’t realize we’re part of a bigger family. Being a part of the Body does not just mean that we need to help our brothers and sisters around the world, but to realize that we need them just as much. We think we’re just depriving them, but really we are depriving ourselves, too. And we are depriving the Body of God.

How did this come about? That’s actually an interesting story. I love to read historical biographies. I was reading the story of Marie Antoinette. It’s amazing, she’s not as hard hearted as we think; she was just totally clueless. She had all the royal people over for a banquet, and there was so much food the tables were sagging - all while people in Paris were starving. After everyone left, she turned to the Emperor and said, “Let’s not throw away all this food, let’s spread the leftovers on the sidewalk.” As they stood and watched the people lick the sidewalk so as not to waste anything, she said “We are so good for the poor; they should love us.” The poor people of France heard this, clenched their fist and resolved to have her head. A week later, 9/11 occurred. At church on Sunday, an elder in church stood up and talked about the need to pray for the families of those who had lost their lives. Then he shared that he didn’t know how this could happen. “We are so good to the world, everyone should love us.” And I thought, we’re just like Marie Antoinette, and the world is going to have our heads. That became the inspiration to write Daughters of Hope (Kay’s book sharing stories of women around the world who are persecuted for their faith). I was in India interviewing women for my book, and as I normally closed my interviews, I asked if there was anything else someone would like to say to me. They asked me if I had ever been kicked out of my house for being a Christian, thrown rocks at, persecuted, hated, denied food for being a Christian. I answered, “No, we just don’t face that type of attack in the US.” Then they asked me if we did have to suffer, would we still be Christians? And I thought for a long time, and didn’t know how to answer. They said they would pray for strength for us. They would pray that if we did have to face persecution that we would endure it. And they asked me to tell everyone I spoke to that they were praying for them. When I am asked to speak - even at Rotary meetings - I share their story.

How has your writing affected your walk? It has changed it totally. It has changed my perspective on life and death, on my purpose in being here. The biggest battle is being patient with others. I know other people haven’t been where I’ve been. We complain about things here, but we’re so fixated on the wrong things. It is so hard to be patient with what I see in the American church. When you go and see, you can’t come back and be the same. I will never to my dying day, get out of my mind the pictures of the people in Sudan - the most wonderful people in the world - who bounced back despite the most incredible things. When I talked with them, they asked me, “Does anyone care about us?” No one asked me for money, they asked me to pray for them. They requested we pray for their children that they will stay firm to the faith (aka be willing to die, be persecuted). When we left them, they ran behind our bus as fast as they could for as long as they could keep up, saying “Pray for us” and then they disappeared into a cloud of dust. I still see that image in my mind. If only we would truly partner with our brothers and sisters around the world.

As Palm Sunday approaches, how do you celebrate Christ’s entrance into your life? I remember reading through the Bible as a 13 year old, trying to figure out how to get it all together, when I came to Micah 6:6-7, “With what shall I come to the Lord and bow myself before the God on high? Shall I come to Him with burnt offerings, With yearling calves? Does the LORD take delight in thousands of rams, In ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I present my firstborn for my rebellious acts, The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?” And then comes the answer in verse 8. “He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?” That’s how I celebrate and pray to celebrate - to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God.

Mount Hermon: Some learnings

Here are a few thoughts as my conference comes to a close. I promise to have more detailed updates once I get home, and a few more interviews.

1) To truly find my contentment and acceptance in Christ, and nothing else. I truly feel God changed my heart in a way I’ve never been changed before and uprooted seeds of envy and self-doubt.
2) To let my writing be the result of my heart, overflowing out onto the page. Not only does this require me to write about what stirs my heart, but it refocuses me on ministry, rather than publication.
3) To ensure my writing points my reader(s) to the eternal. Writing about anything else is insignificant.
4) To put on my eye makeup. I’ve never really known how to do it with more than one color. My mother in law gave me this beautiful compact with four shades in it, and I stare at it in bewilderment. Now I’m experimenting and having fun!

5) That sin can be a lid that contains my writing and prevents the outpouring of my heart. I must deal with it to be effective in my writing.

Night night!

Photo: Flower outside of Central Lounge, Mount Hermon, CA (2007)

Mount Hermon: Day Four - Authenticity

My theme today is authenticity, and I have so much to share about what God revealed to me and how he has grown me. However, in the spirit of being authentic, I have to say I'm exhausted - physically and emotionally. I'll write more tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Photo: Flower on the way to Editor's Panel, Mount Hermon (2007)

Mount Hermon: Day Three - Eternity and Passion

I tried to select one theme for today, but I just couldn’t narrow it down past two. Speaker after speaker reminded me to keep an eternal perspective. Certainly that’s valuable to remember in light of rejections and tough feedback, but even more importantly as I approach my writing. As Dick Foth mentioned last night, the truth of what we speak is of eternal significance. If what we are writing is not, then why should I write it? My goal as a writer is not to be published. It’s to point people toward the eternal. If I stay focused on that, then I allow myself to be used by God for whatever His purposes are. I so often try to usurp control and focus on worldly things like success, fame...acceptance. But God desires to use me and He blessed me with talents (because what He calls me to do, He equips me to do) to glorify Him. I don’t want to bury mine in the ground, or spend all my time complaining and comparing.

The second reminder I heard multiple times today was to write what I’m passionate about. We get distracted by trends or numbers (or whatever), and sometimes stray from what burns in our hearts. I am passionate about building relationships, with a special place for families, but I often feel discouraged in writing about those topics because I think I lack credibility. Hearing this theme repeatedly today affirmed for me that I should write about them.

I carried that theme into the interviews I conducted today. I’ll summarize my learnings from the major morning track and the evening general session in a separate post (probably tomorrow...too tired now).

Photo: Waterfall at Mount Hermon (2007)

Mount Hermon: Day Two - Service

The recurring theme for me today was service. My writing is a gift from God to serve in ministry. The outcome of my writing may or may not be a book. My service may be to write encouraging notes to people I encounter. But the point is, I am supposed to serve others with my written words. I don’t think this theme is completely revolutionary to me, but I constantly need to be reminded of my true and only purpose.

My day began lazily, with no real events until after lunch. I spent my time choosing my workshops, catching up with my friends (did I mention we’re in the “party cabin”?) and responding to some emails. After lunch, I rebelled and skipped orientation to take a walk and shoot some photos. I’ll include a few of my favorites at the end of this entry.

Kim Bangs, of Regal Books, facilitated my first workshop, entitled “Dream Big: Taking a Concept/Idea to Developed Writing Idea.” I loved her enthusiasm and encouragement, particularly as she reminded us not to apologize for our ideas. Her workshop started my recurring theme when she said “Your main reason for writing is to serve the God who gives us the gift to write.” She questioned whether or not the eleven brothers in the story of Joseph missed their destiny because they got hung up on Joseph’s destiny. This idea fit perfectly with the discussion I’m preparing on envy for women in my church. Sometimes we are so consumed by the gifts God bestowed on others that we fail to use the gifts He granted us to serve. So timely!

I questioned whether or not I would enjoy our keynote speaker, Dick Foth, because I did not know who he was. After listening to him tonight, I realized how wrong I was to doubt. He engaged the audience with his humor and stories, but delivered a powerful message about Jesus. Again, he emphasized the eternal impact our writing can have on others and our need to focus on that. He entitled his series “Writing in the Sand and Other Things Eternal.” In referencing John 8, where Jesus deals with the Pharisees and the adulteress they want to stone, Foth said that Jesus engaged people - for just a moment - and made an eternal impact. Like writing in the sand, our writing is a vapor. But the truth of what we write will be of eternal significance. What we write must point people to Jesus. He then explored the simplicity of Jesus. He noted that people often warn us not to take anything away from who Jesus is, but he felt we are more inclined to add things to Jesus. He gave a wonderful illustration using a bottle of water and a bottle of coke. Water is simple; it’s two hydrogen and one carbon. It is vital to our existence, and our body is largely made up of it. Coke contains water, but has an extremely complicated formula. We bathe in water, not in coke. We wash with water, not with Coke. Why? Because water is cleansing and Coke leaves behind a bunch of junk. If you go without water for more than five days, you can die. If you drink too much Coke, it can be toxic to our health. Jesus is the water, simple and yet life-giving, cleansing and vitally important. When we add things to Jesus, like we do to make Coke, we get a bunch of junk...and can even make Him toxic. Keep in mind, however, His simplicity is profound. Our total dependence on Him is the only way we will have an eternal impact on the hearts of others.

In the coming days, I hope to do three things with my blog: 1) share with you some of my main take-aways from the sessions (like I did above), 2) provide you with some interviews of people I meet here so you can get to know some of the awesome friends I’m making, and 3) if you’re a writer, encourage you in your writing and share any tidbits of information that might help you.

As promised, here are the pictures.

Mount Hermon: Day One - Focus

Phew!
After a long day of traveling, complete with weather and traffic delays, we’re here. Our shuttle ride ground to a halt due to a burned bus on one side of the highway, but the conversation inside was lively and engaging. I felt like the conference started inside that van, as Steve Laube shared his wisdom and stories along with my friends Leslie Wilson and Mary DeMuth. We laughed a lot, and I remembered that this conference is as much - if not more - about connecting with people who have a similar passion for writing as it is about pitching an idea. When I came to Mount Hermon for the first time two years ago, my primary goal was to soak everything up and walk away with an overview of what the publishing industry is all about. This year, I again come not trying to pitch ideas, but to make friends and expand my network. I still hesitate to call myself a writer, but I am much more excited about connecting with others this year.

More in the days to come. But for now, I’m off to get some sleep and adjusted to the time change.

On the Road...

I intended to post a review of Mary DeMuth's Wishing on Dandelions today, but I'm just too busy getting ready to go out of town. I'm off to Mount Hermon tomorrow morning, and I will be posting blogs daily (hopefully) from there about my experience. If you're going to be there, please leave me a comment and let's meet up at some point! Off to finish packing...

Exodus 4:11-12

My heart rate increased with each email I read.

"Sorry, I already have roommates."
Pit pat.

"No, I'm not going this year."
Pit pat. Pit pat.

"Someone else asked me already."
Pitter patter.

"I'm not going either."
Pitter patter. Pitter patter.

My heart sank. That was the last of them. Everyone I knew either wasn't going to Mount Hermon this year or already had a roommate. Tears welled up in my eyes. My immediate feeling was one of isolation and rejection. Doubt crept into my mind: does anyone really like me? They probably don't view me as a real writer (am I?). I don't blame them for wanting to be with other real writers. Maybe I shouldn't go. I haven't actually purchased my plane ticket yet. I could not go and only be out the $75 deposit. Is this a sign? I don't really have anything to write that is worth reading anyway. Why did I ever think my topic ideas were relevant or even interesting? Or that anyone would bother reading them? Honestly, do I really think I'm any good at writing? My entire support system crumbled underneath me. How could I make it through five days with real professional (published!) writers on my own? I reduced myself to a little girl trying to dress up in her mom's clothing. I was completely out of my league, and silly for thinking I might possibly belong.

My daughter woke up in the other room, screaming, so I went in to attend to her. As I rocked her back to sleep, I cried out to the Lord.

Why did I even think I should go? What are you doing to me, Lord? How can I make it through this conference by myself?

Depend on me.

I'm trying Lord, but it's so hard. I feel completely inadequate. I've been deluding myself into thinking that I actually had something worth writing, worth reading. Why would anyone even care about what I've written?

They won't. Your words and ideas are not that important. They are not good enough to attract the attention of editors, publishers or even readers. But my words are.

Conviction began replacing my doubts. It's a battle I constantly face: pride and self reliance versus total dependence on Him. I get caught up in thinking I have these wonderful things to impart and others should want to listen to me. I stray from the giver of words and wisdom, forgetting that apart from Him I am nothing. God placed the desire to write in my heart, but He never intended for me to fulfill that desire myself.

My prayer that night, and hopefully throughout my writing career (whatever that may eventually look like) became one of humility.

Lord, I want to be open to your words and your ideas. Speak through me Lord, and don't let my words and thoughts get mixed up into your words and thoughts. Let every single word I pen be for Your glory, not mine. Let every word someone reads from my hand point back to You. I want my goal in writing to be declaring your glory among the nations and your name to all people. Help me not to lose sight of the reason why you have called me to write.

Photo: Mount Hermon entourage, 2006